Darryl Cobbin on Marriage, Family & His Beautiful Daughters

Recently I witnessed a married couple beating the crap out of each other in the streets of one of the most posh areas of Michigan. I could not believe my eyes. The wife, with long blonde tresses and sexy Christian Louboutin pumps was in full swing, flailing her Versace handbag at her husband’s head. The force of her swing and the weight of her bag were powerful enough to knock him to his knees. Moments earlier he had his wife in a half nelson as he tried unsuccessfully to restrain her. The husband and wife couldn’t even get to the point of embarrassment because they were so caught up in this public display of disgust for one another. Between the jabs, swings and curses, I could hear the husband trying to explain why he didn’t tell his wife that he had used their hard-earned savings to invest in a new business venture. She was furious. He was just as angry that she didn’t give him room in their marriage to make choices he thought were in the best interest of the family. How do I know all of this? Because they laid open their years of pain and frustration for all to see right there on those quiet, tree-lined streets. And in the end, when the heat of the moment cooled down and the innocent bystanders and gawkers put their camera phones away, I can only conclude that after they were both arrested for disorderly conduct and later bailed out of the local jail by their best friends who have had to rescue this couple in peril one time too many, they are both losers in this marriage game.

Personally speaking, I have been thinking a lot about marriage these days certainly after this shameful incident. But my thoughtful introspection goes back further and is far deeper than this. I am happily married to a wonderful man who, like me, has his share of idiosyncrasies and downright craziness. And through our flaws and all, we are both working every single day to stay happily married. It’s not easy. It never is. But an exceptionally smart businessman and author named Darryl Cobbin recently wrote a timely and painfully honest book about his own marriage that is helping many people understand the importance of doing everything within their power to make marriage work. The book entitled, Before You Wed… Read This! was written lovingly for Darryl’s three daughters, Hailey, Lauren and Sydney. In the book Darryl shares his mission to help his daughters and millions of other people build, nurture and sustain a successful marriage. And he’s committed to doing this from the perspective of someone who nearly lost it all.

Before You Wed… Read This! is an important read because honestly, everyone–no matter where you come from or where you are in your life–either touches marriage or is touched by marriage in some way. In fact, I can’t think of a single culture or society that doesn’t believe in some form of marriage or sacred covenant, can you? In my assessment, here is how adults fall on the marriage spectrum. They are either: A) Married, B) Contemplating marriage, C) Quietly but consciously observing the institution of marriage, D) Trying like hell to get out of a marriage or, E) Staying as far away from marriage as possible because they have seen how badly two people can screw up one another’s lives.

Darryl Cobbin, an accomplished, award-winning marketing magnate who, while his career was skyrocketing, nearly lost his marriage and everything he valued most, is just the person to help us all begin honest, candid discourse about our desires and our flaws, our fears and our expectations related to marriage no matter where we fall on the marriage spectrum.

I recently talked with Darryl, known to those who know and love him as DC, about the book, his lovely wife Valerie, his beautiful daughters and about how Before You Wed… Read This! can help those who plan to marry and those, like myself, who are already married.

LeslieWrites: Darryl, what prompted you to write this book and why now?

DC: This book called me, I didn’t call it. The call came to me on October 16, 2003 when my wife, Valerie, told me to pack my things and get the hell out of the house. Not now, but RIGHT now. I was actually at a conference and strangely enough, the conference was about development as a leader and self-growth. I called my wife and we had an argument. Our marriage was tumultuous at the time so many of our conversations ended in an argument. I didn’t know how to resolve the argument so it escalated and it was on that call that she told me to get out.

That evening I went home, packed my things, put them in my car and I went to my best friend’s home where I slept in his basement. Prior to this moment from the outside looking in people saw this successful executive with multiple vice president-level positions at the Coca-Cola Company and I seemed to have it all. However, my words were that I was a dedicated father and devoted husband but this was incongruent with my behaviors. So as I’m in this darkness, I started to get clear. I did not want my three beautiful, wonderful daughters to experience the agony that their father was feeling. I wanted them to know from me what I believe it takes to build, nurture and sustain a marriage even though mine had failed because at that point I was certain my wife and I would get a divorce. Still, I wanted to write for them so they would not make the same mistakes I made in my marriage. That was the motivating factor.

LeslieWrites: I thought it was very interesting that you wrote the book to Hailey, Lauren and Sydney. I viewed the book as a tribute to your wife and your daughters. What do they think of the book?

DC: I think you may be slightly surprised and I think you may understand the answer. My wife and my daughters are proud that I wrote this book but they have not read the book. Valerie attempted to read it as did my eldest daughter Hailey, who is now 15. They started to read the book but they could not complete it because the stories are so real and the pain of what was described in the book is great for them. I’m sure that at some point my daughters are going to read it and it will be helpful to them. I’m confident of that. And at some point my wife will read it. I respect the fact that they could not get through it. When they told me they couldn’t get through the book it communicated to me that this is real. This is not fiction.

LeslieWrites: I can only imagine that if my husband wrote something so personal, so honest and so substantive, I would probably have that same reaction. When I read the chapter where you describe how your spending was out of control and some of your real challenges learned during childhood, your behaviors, although different, made me reflect on my own habits and behaviors. Reading the book was therapeutic in some ways but it also made me think that if some of your readers are dealing with personal issues and are in need of some course correction, your book will be an excellent resource.

DC: I agree with you and you are exactly right about the need to course correct. I also appreciate your empathy with regard to my wife and understanding why reading the book might be a bit of a touchy thing. But here’s a thing that was shocking to me and shocking to people who know me and have read the book: I am an insanely private person. Yes, I have my wife, one of my boys and my sister that I talk to. Everyone else knows parts of my life but they don’t know the inner workings of my life. I protect my life with a great amount of dexterity and pride because it’s sacred to me. So the fact that I’ve actually written some things that are this personal about my life, the problems I have had with my wife, my growth and then linking it all back to my childhood, I cannot even believe I did that.

LeslieWrites: Throughout the book you share with great candor how you’ve grown and matured as a husband. How has Valerie changed as a result of your growth and your renewed commitment to your marriage?

DC: I believe that because of my growth, Valerie gained some inspiration and a bit of emotional safety for her own growth. Let me dive a little bit into that emotional safety piece. When you’re living with someone who is a master debater and who can critically analyze things in seconds, it can become emotionally unsafe for the person living with them and I think it was emotionally unsafe for my wife. So when I started to mature and I started to focus more on me, it allowed Valerie to spend less time needing to defend herself against things that I had going on and more time to nurture herself and to grow. I’m very proud of Valerie’s growth.

LeslieWrites: You wrote in the book, “I would engage your mother in arguments because I felt more comfortable in that space…the debate mattered more than the intended outcome. I was so proud of what my personality style gained me in my career that I was blind to the negative consequences on my marriage and our family.” Can you talk about this?

DC: Yes. I began to recognize that in my desire to win a debate or an argument, even at points where I thought I won the argument, ultimately I lost because my wife was demoralized and frankly she was pissed off! After a while I started to recognize that this is not what it’s about. Instead of a critical analysis of the situation, instead of strategically determining what words ought to be said next in order to win an argument, my focus went more toward, Baby how are you feeling right now? and Let me tell you how I’m feeling right now. Let’s talk about this.

LeslieWrites: You also wrote about love being an emotion best communicated by behavior. How and when did you arrive at this conclusion?

DC: This was much later in my marriage. I think by this time we had been married about twelve or thirteen years and we were in therapy. During those conversations with the therapist we would often talk about love and she asked the question, “What does love look like to you? Describe it.” I would describe it and I’d think about what I said. This is not really the kind of stuff where you would say, I got this lovely feeling, I got these butterflies. It was more behavioral-based and what I recognized was that even if my wife didn’t feel like she liked me in a particular moment, if she rubbed my back and caressed the side of my face, I would feel her love.

Let me give you an example of something that happened the other day. I was training pretty hard and my lower back was giving me some problems. I told Valerie about this earlier in the day. We were both at home later that evening and I was in my office at the computer. Valerie came back to my office and said, “Scoot up a little bit, Honey,” and she put something down in my chair and told me to lean back. I’m wondering what’s going on but I lean back and feel a hot water bottle. Now, that’s love. Leslie, I felt so good, not just my back but I felt good all over. I told her, “Thank you baby, you take such good care of me.” That’s what I mean by love as a behavior.

LeslieWrites: You wrote a recent piece on HuffingtonPost.com on not being so quick to judge the 72-day marriage of Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries. Can you talk about your perspective on the images of marriage in reality television and in Hollywood that we are besieged with and that some people take cues from? (Click THIS LINK to read Darryl’s Huffington Post article on How Not To Have A Five-Minute Marriage)

DC: Great question. On my Website beforeyouwed.com, I talk about the three Cs: Compatibility, Chemistry and Commitment. I believe these three Cs represent a bit of an arc in a relationship. First you find out if you have things in common with someone. If you do you start feeling good about that person. That’s compatibility. Then you move to the space where it’s almost like you can finish each other’s sentences: There are some things that are deep within you that really work for me. We’re just that good together. That’s chemistry. Then there’s commitment, the last C. This is where you say: We are in this thing together. We are committed to this relationship no matter what.

Hollywood and reality TV do a great job of romanticizing compatibility. They show what people are like and the things they have in common and how opposites attract even though opposite attraction is still a form of compatibility. Then they show the chemistry and how these couples lives are so good together. Where they fall off is on the commitment piece because most movies or Hollywood stories do not go into what it takes to hold the relationship together after you get through the period of compatibility and chemistry. And so a desire of mine is to create entertainment and content on my Website that is as powerful at covering the first two Cs as it is at covering the final C. I believe we all have something that we can offer and learn from one another so I want to create a place where couples can share with one another. I am not attempting to set myself up as the Grand Poobah that has all of the answers because I’m not. I am, however, saying that we can come to a place where we can candidly share our experiences and talk about things that work and things that don’t work. I hope my book is going to be a part of that. There are funny parts in the book, there are sad parts, but ultimately the message is that the dude stuck with it. That’s the commitment piece that is omitted currently from most Hollywood stories and certainly from reality TV.

LeslieWrites: What are the top three things you think your daughters, for whom you wrote the book, and others will take away from your writing about marriage and family?

DC: Number one, start with yourself, not with your spouse or your future spouse. Really get into understanding what makes you tick and what works for you. And only an individual can determine that for themselves. When you love yourself, you make yourself loveable to others. If you don’t, no one can make you feel loveable. It won’t happen. And in starting with yourself, it’s not only about understanding what it is that makes you who you are now, it’s about identifying those things that happened in your childhood that are having an impact on the way you are behaving. You have to come out of the darkness and into the light. In the book there is a set of questions at the end of chapter one that can help with that self-discovery. In this section, I encourage people to ask someone questions about themselves who will tell them the truth! You can ask someone you trust a simple question: I know you love and care about me but are there any things that you have seen me doing that may be holding me back from reaching my full potential? If someone really loves you and you ask them that question, they are going to give you something. And if you truly get curious about it, you’ll start to shine some light on some things that were blind spots.

Number two, what I want folks to take away is after they know themselves; really get curious about what’s important to your spouse.

Number three is a combination of perseverance and growth. One thing I learned is that there are going to be periods where I love my wife but I may not like my wife. And there will be periods where my wife will love me but may not like a particular behavior that I’m exhibiting. So to be able to persevere through those times and to depersonalize it is important. My wife may say, “Baby, I may not like what you did but I love you,” or “What you did hurt me and I don’t want to see it again but I love you and I am going to stick in this with you.” The key is to never give up. I came close to giving up on several occasions but I didn’t.

LeslieWrites: Do you and your wife have any marriage mentors or couples that inspire you or give you guidance as you navigate the ups and downs of your own marriage?

DC: Your timing is impeccable on this question, Leslie. A really good friend from business school started a “man thing” a couple of months ago where we would talk about spirituality and the like. It has since evolved into a couples thing. Just this past Saturday my wife and I had five or six couples over at our home. We talked about communication, we looked at a video on areas that can become detrimental to marriages, we discussed them and then we talked about solutions. To be in a room with couples talking about these issues in a structured way was intellectually stimulating and enlightening. And I believe the reason is because those folks got a chance to see, I ain’t the only one in this boat. We all have these things we’re dealing with, it’s not just me and my crazy wife or husband. (Laughter) We all have our issues and we are just trying to work through this together. This is important to me personally because I am truly dedicated to repositioning the brand of marriage. I want to reposition marriage so that people understand that if you put in the work and the dedication, it can be one of the most glorious things you ever do with your life.

For more information and to join the Before You Wed online community, please visit BeforeYouWed.com

To purchase Before You Wed… Read This! please visit Amazon

Read Darryl’s most recent piece on Open Marriage on HuffingtonPost.com

You can also find Darryl on Facebook & Twitter (@B4UWed)